I have struggled with anxiety attacks since I was eight years old. I learned to talk about it and talk it through at a young age and because of this I have never hidden my true feelings on the subject and have always wanted to share my experiences with others. I am not ashamed of my various mental disorders because I know where they come from and how to deal the best I can. I also know what I have learned and who I have become thanks to my adversity. Anxiety attacks and occasional bouts of depression have certainly been my life's Goliath. (BTW, it is so common to struggle with both anxiety and depression at the same time, so many people think they're opposites, when in fact, they're evil twin sisters.)
I consider myself a woman of great faith. I have a knowledge and testimony of our Father's Plan of Happiness and yet it would appear that I am absolutely plagued and paralyzed by fear (which is the opposite of faith) and I can never get a hold of happiness because of my life-long struggle with depression. Why is this? What I have learned in 25 years is that the above statement is a fallacy. It appears to be truth, especially to those who have never struggled with anxiety or depression before. But for those of us who have struggled, I can say unequivocally that depression is not a synonym for unhappiness and anxiety is not necessarily a synonym for the type of fear that would be the opposite of faith. What I just wrote may be confusing, but let me explain.
I learned these things since becoming a mother. Most everyone knows that postpartum depression can affect 10-15% of women, but I was shocked and surprised to learn that 10-15% of women struggle with prenatal depression, meaning depression while pregnant. Well, I want to say that I have never been crazier than I have been during my two pregnancies and one of those pregnancies I am still enduring right now. The feelings and thoughts I experience during my pregnancies are difficult to verbalize, but the intense fear and complete hopelessness are very real to me. I know consciously that my fears are irrational, but that doesn't mean the effects aren't real. I know it's hard to believe, but even as I'm stuck in the depths of hell, I can't honestly say that I'm unhappy. I have never experienced the joy and happiness that I experience now as a mother. The ability to bring life into this world is an incredible gift and though I'm tortured and anguished the entire nine months of growing life inside of me, the happiness and joy (once it's over) pervades my entire being.
So here is what I want to say. I know of nothing that is harder than pregnancy and motherhood. (After contemplating this, I must say that it is possible that losing an immediate family member and struggling with a terminal illness, neither of which I've experienced, could very possibly be harder.) A woman's work on this earth is incredibly difficult. It's difficult on our bodies and difficult on our minds and yet the work is the most rewarding and fulfilling experience I could ever imagine. In order for a woman to become a mother, I can only think of 3 qualities that she must possess: courage, courage, and courage. There are so many women who struggle with anxiety and depression during these child-rearing years and never before and probably not much after. I can't imagine how scary the feelings would be to a woman who has never experienced it before; you are not alone. Mental illness is pervasive during a woman's early to late twenties and why is that?? My opinions are just my opinions but I want to share them here in the form of the most common fears I experience during pregnancy. They may be exclusive to me or maybe you'll find a little bit of yourself in them.
1) Many women are fearful during pregnancy and never experience it at any other time in their life. Though they may not realize it, I think there is a very real fear about bringing a beautiful pure newborn baby into this evil world. I don't believe that this world is completely evil, there is so much beauty here too, but I'm never more astute to the problems of society, the worldliness, power-hungry, gain seeking men and women, than when I am carrying a child in my womb. I think most women realize deep down that there is more to having children than picking baby names and buying strollers.
2) I fear failure. There are so many times while pregnant that I don't feel capable of being a mother and I do not want to ruin my children. Thankfully, the love that sets in once you have the child takes over and you become a caretaker. It's not necessarily easy all of a sudden or even natural, but the desire to take care of your child is. Also, it's kind of already too late for me to turn back, so if I quit now I will fail.
3) A lot of people underestimate this one, but I don't. It's hard to understand, but the thoughts in your brain are a result of a chemical and hormonal imbalance. Deal with it. During pregnancy there is a lot of hesitation in the medical world to start handing out prescriptions. I understand this and each woman needs to decide for herself what she needs and what she doesn't. In my case, I need the Lexapro. I can't live without it.
4) Lastly I want to tell you about a more personal fear I've been living with. During a woman's pregnancy, her body is creating life which is as close to Godliness as one can get on this Earth. I think Heavenly Father protects pregnant women. There are times when I feel encircled about by his arms and carried from day to day. This should be comforting, but for some reason I feel uncomfortable there. I compare this to the greek myth Icarus. Icarus was the one whose father made him wings out of wax and warned him that while flying he shouldn't get too close to the sun. Well Icarus is thrilled by the feelings of flights and rises higher and higher until he is too close to the sun. His wings melt and he falls into the sea. Sometimes I guess I feel like Icarus. I am very close to my Father in Heaven during these most challenging times and yet I feel like my wings are melting. Does anyone know what I mean? Maybe it's inadequacy or unworthiness, but part of purifying yourself is learning how the atonement applies in your life and actually using it. That's what I'm learning to do. I'm learning for the first time how to live in the love of my Heavenly Father.
Thanks for reading this extraordinarily long post. My life is an open book, if you have questions ask. Also, I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and many of my viewpoints in this post reflect that, though nothing I've said is in anyway doctrine of the church.
