Thursday, December 18, 2008

Violet is Two!




I'm laying in bed, getting ready to go to sleep, and I can't stop thinking how my baby is 2!! In so many ways, she's still a baby, but for the most part she is all little girl!

Her favorites:

Mommy's purse
Lipsticks of all varieties (which she calls chatstick)
Climbing up on everything, she always wants to be higher
Upside Down with Daddy
Nummy Drink (which is a strawberry cream slush from sonic) (she totally takes after Aunt Hadda)
PINK!
"New House"
She loves her grandmas and all of her extended family!
She loves things that are "so cute"
Singing songs (she knows the words to about ten songs!)

I love her so much! Even though I'm pregnant, tired, and mental, I still miss her when she's gone or I am. She's my little best friend and I can't remember what life was like without her.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Violet and Isaac



This is the cutest video of my girl and her best friend. Turn your head (or your computer) sideways for the best view. We miss Isaac already and hope to see him really soon.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Choosing a Middle Name

I went to the doctor for my 20 week ultrasound last week and he confirmed it to be a boy! I still can't believe it. Zach's middle name is Scott and I've always liked that name so it was natural for us to choose and agree on it. I feel relieved to have a name chosen so early this time, we finally decided on Violet in the hospital. But I'm struggling choosing a middle name and Zach doesn't seem to have any opinions as of yet. Here is a quick list of names I'm considering.

Nicholas- Violet's middle name is Noelle which was to be my name as I was due on December 18th. If I was a boy, I was going to be Nicholas. I think it would be nice if their middle names were connected. BTW, I was born January 2nd, so my mom didn't think Noelle fit anymore.

Cougar- I like Cougar because it's kind of tough sounding and modern. Cougar would kind of be an homage to Zach's BYU heritage as a super fan and alumnus.

Oliver is just a name I like.

Cooper is Zach's grandmother's maiden name.

Tell me what you think.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

We're Moving!

We're moving. The house we're moving to is on the border of Lehi and Highland, but thankfully in Lehi. Go Pioneers! I know it's crazy fast. Two weeks ago we weren't moving or even really seriously considering it and then a week ago we saw the house and put in an offer and now we are moving on November 1st. We just really love, love, love the new house. Here are some pics Zach took of the inside. Follow the link to flicker . . .

I don't have any great pics of the outside, but if you follow this link you should be able to see an image of it on google maps.

Now that it's a done deal, I'm considering all the sad things about moving. I am going to miss Apple Grove. Zach has been here almost 6 years and I've been here now for 3 years. I love my neighbors and our ward. I'm going to miss everyone a lot. I wish I could transport my neighbors to our new neighborhood.

This is what really breaks my heart about moving though:


Violet's best friend Isaac and mommy Rachel. We love them and it's gonna be hard to live farther away.

All in all, I feel really grateful. For Zach. He is the best; he takes the best care of me and Violet and he just rocks at everything. He is the best part of my life. Love you Zach. I'm looking forward to new adventures with you.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Hope for Mothers



I have struggled with anxiety attacks since I was eight years old. I learned to talk about it and talk it through at a young age and because of this I have never hidden my true feelings on the subject and have always wanted to share my experiences with others. I am not ashamed of my various mental disorders because I know where they come from and how to deal the best I can. I also know what I have learned and who I have become thanks to my adversity. Anxiety attacks and occasional bouts of depression have certainly been my life's Goliath. (BTW, it is so common to struggle with both anxiety and depression at the same time, so many people think they're opposites, when in fact, they're evil twin sisters.)

I consider myself a woman of great faith. I have a knowledge and testimony of our Father's Plan of Happiness and yet it would appear that I am absolutely plagued and paralyzed by fear (which is the opposite of faith) and I can never get a hold of happiness because of my life-long struggle with depression. Why is this? What I have learned in 25 years is that the above statement is a fallacy. It appears to be truth, especially to those who have never struggled with anxiety or depression before. But for those of us who have struggled, I can say unequivocally that depression is not a synonym for unhappiness and anxiety is not necessarily a synonym for the type of fear that would be the opposite of faith. What I just wrote may be confusing, but let me explain.

I learned these things since becoming a mother. Most everyone knows that postpartum depression can affect 10-15% of women, but I was shocked and surprised to learn that 10-15% of women struggle with prenatal depression, meaning depression while pregnant. Well, I want to say that I have never been crazier than I have been during my two pregnancies and one of those pregnancies I am still enduring right now. The feelings and thoughts I experience during my pregnancies are difficult to verbalize, but the intense fear and complete hopelessness are very real to me. I know consciously that my fears are irrational, but that doesn't mean the effects aren't real. I know it's hard to believe, but even as I'm stuck in the depths of hell, I can't honestly say that I'm unhappy. I have never experienced the joy and happiness that I experience now as a mother. The ability to bring life into this world is an incredible gift and though I'm tortured and anguished the entire nine months of growing life inside of me, the happiness and joy (once it's over) pervades my entire being.

So here is what I want to say. I know of nothing that is harder than pregnancy and motherhood. (After contemplating this, I must say that it is possible that losing an immediate family member and struggling with a terminal illness, neither of which I've experienced, could very possibly be harder.) A woman's work on this earth is incredibly difficult. It's difficult on our bodies and difficult on our minds and yet the work is the most rewarding and fulfilling experience I could ever imagine. In order for a woman to become a mother, I can only think of 3 qualities that she must possess: courage, courage, and courage. There are so many women who struggle with anxiety and depression during these child-rearing years and never before and probably not much after. I can't imagine how scary the feelings would be to a woman who has never experienced it before; you are not alone. Mental illness is pervasive during a woman's early to late twenties and why is that?? My opinions are just my opinions but I want to share them here in the form of the most common fears I experience during pregnancy. They may be exclusive to me or maybe you'll find a little bit of yourself in them.

1) Many women are fearful during pregnancy and never experience it at any other time in their life. Though they may not realize it, I think there is a very real fear about bringing a beautiful pure newborn baby into this evil world. I don't believe that this world is completely evil, there is so much beauty here too, but I'm never more astute to the problems of society, the worldliness, power-hungry, gain seeking men and women, than when I am carrying a child in my womb. I think most women realize deep down that there is more to having children than picking baby names and buying strollers.

2) I fear failure. There are so many times while pregnant that I don't feel capable of being a mother and I do not want to ruin my children. Thankfully, the love that sets in once you have the child takes over and you become a caretaker. It's not necessarily easy all of a sudden or even natural, but the desire to take care of your child is. Also, it's kind of already too late for me to turn back, so if I quit now I will fail.

3) A lot of people underestimate this one, but I don't. It's hard to understand, but the thoughts in your brain are a result of a chemical and hormonal imbalance. Deal with it. During pregnancy there is a lot of hesitation in the medical world to start handing out prescriptions. I understand this and each woman needs to decide for herself what she needs and what she doesn't. In my case, I need the Lexapro. I can't live without it.

4) Lastly I want to tell you about a more personal fear I've been living with. During a woman's pregnancy, her body is creating life which is as close to Godliness as one can get on this Earth. I think Heavenly Father protects pregnant women. There are times when I feel encircled about by his arms and carried from day to day. This should be comforting, but for some reason I feel uncomfortable there. I compare this to the greek myth Icarus. Icarus was the one whose father made him wings out of wax and warned him that while flying he shouldn't get too close to the sun. Well Icarus is thrilled by the feelings of flights and rises higher and higher until he is too close to the sun. His wings melt and he falls into the sea. Sometimes I guess I feel like Icarus. I am very close to my Father in Heaven during these most challenging times and yet I feel like my wings are melting. Does anyone know what I mean? Maybe it's inadequacy or unworthiness, but part of purifying yourself is learning how the atonement applies in your life and actually using it. That's what I'm learning to do. I'm learning for the first time how to live in the love of my Heavenly Father.

Thanks for reading this extraordinarily long post. My life is an open book, if you have questions ask. Also, I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and many of my viewpoints in this post reflect that, though nothing I've said is in anyway doctrine of the church.

Ultrasound. . . It's a Boy!

I honestly can't believe it. I was convinced I was having another girl, but not so. I broke down this past week and went to Fetal Fotos at the mall so that I could get a picture of my baby. The days are so much easier when I have an actual picture, when it seems to be more real. Anyway, here are the pics. The last pic is the proof of boy. Honestly, it's not much so I'm interested if you can spot it, but I think the ultrasound technician is right when he said there is really nothing else that that nub can actually be!



Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Pregnant with #2

I just want to go on the record with what most of you already know. I'm pregnant with Baby #2 and s/he is due March 17th. I am officially 1/3 of the way there. I'm really sick and mental, but I'll post more on that later. Zach and I are excited though and Violet will be the best big sister. Life is pretty good and having children is an amazing experience.

I think it's Time to Potty Train . . .



Violet wants to too.

The Fourth of July

We had a very fun Fourth this year. I can't believe how much Violet enjoyed the Provo Parade. I hate parades and I thought she might follow my lead, but no way, she loved every minute of it. You might recognize her top in the picture, she wore it as a dress last year on the Fourth.



For lunch, we went to Ruth's Diner up Emigration Canyon with Heather and some other friends. It was so yummy. We sat out on the patio and there was live music. It was great.

Of course, in the evening we had cul-de-sac of fire. It is the most fun neighborhood tradition and I just love my neighbors. Violet loved to watch the fireworks in her jammies and then go to bed.


Summer in Review: Part 2

After we returned from San Francisco we had a few days to get ready to leave for San Diego. We went with the Kane Family to stay in a beach house right on Capistrano Beach. The Beach House was fabulous and it was great to play on the beach.



We were fortunate to have some built-in babysitting on this trip and as a result, Zach and I got to spend two days at Disneyland/California adventure sans Violet. Violet got in on the fun though since we took her to both Sea World and to the San Diego Zoo. Violet loved the zoo, especially the turtles and of course, Zach had another up close and personal experience with the Panda. As you can see, he even got to pet one!






We also went to Newport Beach one day and got this fabulous family pic from the end of the pier.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Summer in Review

This is months late, but better than no post at all I think. In early June, we went to San Francisco so Zach could attend WWDC. This is our second year going as a family and it was much more fun this year as Violet was old enough to experience some pretty fun things. We played during the day and then Zach joined us for dinner and the evening. The first pics are of Violet at the aquarium on Fisherman's Wharf. She loved the Nemo's! Everything underwater is Nemo to her. She touched a ray fish and thought that was pretty awesome.






Violet had her first experience with the beach in San Francisco. San Francisco isn't known for it's great beaches but we went anyway. I took her to Baker Beach. We didn't go near the water (I'm sure it was frigid) but she loved the sand. She layed her whole face in it. She had sand everywhere by the time we were done, but the mess was worth it for some great pictures. That's the Golden Gate Bridge in the background.





Other notable events include Violet's first time on a carousel and it also happened to be a panda cub to ride on! This carousel was at a little theme park in Vacaville, CA which is half-way between San Fran and Sacramento. We met some of Zach's friends there with their little girl. It was probably 104 degrees and ridiculously hot. But while there Zach took my favorite shots of Violet from the whole summer. Check them out. Her cuteness kills me.




Thursday, May 22, 2008

My American Idol Experience



Zach and I just got back from L.A. where we went to both Tuesday and Wednesday of American Idol!

I put mine and Zach's names on the waitlist for American Idol Tickets in January. On Thursday night I got an email saying tickets were available and I was able to get 4 tickets for Wednesday's finale. Zach got an email too and he got 4 tickets for Tuesday's show. We invited Zach's parents (who are lovely to travel with btw). Because we had vouchers we had to wait in line a long time. We were prepared for that though so we went pretty early and were easily able to get real tickets. We even got pretty good seats on the main level toward the back. I just really wanted to share my experience here because this is one of the most spontaneous things I've ever done, and will likely not do anything like this in the future.

Here are the highlights and the lowlights:

I had a minor meltdown on Tuesday. The people who organize tickets for American Idol were quite unprepared for the ticketing process. Usually the event is held at the Kodak theater, but this year it was at the Nokia theater, so the new venue had them scrambling. Plus the Nokia theater is almost double the size of the Kodak, so they were dealing with a lot more people. I hate crowds! Crowds are always hard for me . . .but I was so frustrated with the lack of organization that I kinda lost it. Thankfully the other Wilys are all quite mature and level-headed. They kept it together. By the end of Tuesday, I felt like we were all cattle, being shuffled from one line to the next.

On Tuesday, we had to attend the dress rehearsal before the show. They tape the entire dress rehearsal so they can edit the final package that shows the recap of the performances, even though the show is LIVE. There were only about 2000 people at the dress rehearsal instead of the the 7000 at the show, so we were sitting very close to the stage. The set is incredible!! It was really cool to see it in person. The producers were right next to us and Nigel Lythgow was a very busy guy. They have a stage director named Debbie who I can tell has a very stressful job that she is very good at. The best part of the dress rehearsal (besides the Davids' performances) is the fake judges. Simon, Paula, and Randy don't attend the dress rehearsal so they have 3 people who look like them from behind sit in their places and after each performance the fake judges do a critique. It is hilariously funny to watch them make fun of the real judges. The dress rehearsal was very interesting. I was blown away at the amount of work it takes to film a show and I could tell that AI has it down.



Ryan Seacrest is the best host on TV. No doubt about it. At the dress rehearsal and the show, he works his tail off. He is running all over the place. He has a security guard who runs after him everywhere and believe me, he needs one. People are calling out Ryan every 10 seconds and trying to touch him. It's nuts. Simon, Paula, and Randy however, do virtually nothing. They arrived about 2 minutes before the show went live and disappeared during a lot of the commercial breaks. Ryan is by far the MVP if you ask me, and has a load of charisma.



I'm so surprised to be saying that both David and David sing better in person. The show was unbelievable! They are immensely talented. Confession: There is a tiny part of me that has always wondered if I could do what they do. I no longer have any delusions about this. I absolutely can't. I'm not only talking about voice either, they both have so much charm! These people are special, I promise.

The show on Wednesday was phenomenal. It lacked the excitement of the competition that Tuesday's show had, but since there were lots of professionals there, it was very entertaining. The highlight for me was George Michael. I've always loved his voice and his album "Faith" is one of the best albums ever. He really is an odd person, but I like his music. I think David Archuleta should make an album like "Faith." It would suit him perfectly.

This has been quite a long post, so I will sign off for now. It was such a fun trip. I'm so grateful for Zach and his hard work that made it possible for us to pay for a trip out of the blue like this. It was so fun to be with him. I love him, I love him, I love him.

The Nokia wouldn't allow us to take cameras in--so these photos are borrowed from the world wide web.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Violet loves Ducks

Violet's favorite animal is not the Panda. It is unequivocally, the duck. She loves ducks. She's been saying the word duck for months now and we recently bought her a duck rocker that she loves to play with. Zach heard from a coworker that Cal Ranch had baby ducks and we went to see them. She loved them and knew what they were when she first saw them. Check out the pic.




Her fascination with ducks reminds me of my friend Jana and her baby KennaDee. Violet is now two months older than KennaDee was when she and her family passed away. They will have been gone 2 years this summer. Life is so precious and family is so important. I am so grateful that Jana was able to move on from this life with her family in tow. The day they died, Jana was able to meet her full-grown daughter. What an amazing experience. I think I have learned to treasure my experiences with Violet.

Friday, April 4, 2008

Violet and Isaac

Zach and I have some friends in our ward that we LOVE! We really like to get together with them. They have a son named Isaac who is just a few months younger than Violet. Last Monday, they played together and it was really cute. This boy Isaac is so stinkin' cute. He's got great chubby cheeks and an amazing complexion.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Violet and her favorite Button

Violet gets to open the garage door now. She has to be the one to do it. Luckily we got her reaction on tape. Enjoy.

Friday, February 15, 2008

She's changed so much

So I have finally changed the huge picture on the mantel--

Here is the original one.


And here is the new one:


I can't believe how much my baby has changed? Some people don't even recognize her newborn pics as her, but I do of course.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Violet's Birthday (A Little Late)

So Violet turned one a month and a half ago. I just barely put the pictures on the computer and I'm so excited to share them with you. I've decided that one year olds are so fun. It's the best stage ever. Enjoy.

So Violet had to wear her princess tutu because it was her special day (Girls are so fun).









Violet's party was themed "Winter Wonderland" and my great neighbor and friend made her cake. The guests ate a snowflake cake and Violet got her very own Snowman cake to smash all over herself.



And smash it she did.





This is her birthday bath to clean up all the cake.



And this is my favorite shot of the day . . .

Friday, January 4, 2008

My New Year's Resolutions

I make lists. I make a lot of lists. I had several lists in December, but I had one overarching list that was compromised of all the mini-lists. The last item on the list was to think of new year's resolutions for myself. I did not have a hard time with this because I naturally set goals for myself (hence the lists) and because whenever I looked at my list I saw that item and thought about it for a while. My biggest problem is narrowing my list down, so that I might have at least a tiny measure of success this year. Advice: Don't make too many resolutions each year, just focus on a couple. Here are mine:
Read the Scriptures More.
Go to the Temple More.
Leave the guilt behind and lighten up.

So that's where I was at until the night before my birthday. We were over at my parents' house and we started playing "Rock Band"--this game for the x-box that has two guitarists, a singer, and a drummer (in Guitar Hero style). After about two hours of playing I noticed that I had a smile just plastered on my face. My face hurt because I was smiling so much. Contrary to the url address of my blog, I'm not a particularly smiley person, I'm usually the sourpuss of any group. So . . . my new most important goal for this year is to have FUN! I haven't had FUN in a long time. Don't get me wrong--overall I'm happy and I enjoy my life and I have a lot of personal fulfillment in my relationships, etc. but I don't have any fun, ever. Everyone around me has fun, but I can be in the same room with all the people having fun and be having no fun at all. This is a weird trait of mine. Anyway, for 2008 I want to be slapping my knee, rolling on the ground, laughing and snorting my way into a permanent stomach ache, full of fun.

So I'm on the search for new, fun activities. But if all else fails, I guess I have "Rock Band."

Two more resolutions: Make fewer lists. Get pregnant this year and have another little squishy.